Villains'
International Coalition of Evildoing
Making the world a crueler place for over 25 years.
Dear Xena, Warrior Princess:
Ah, birthdays. The ideal time to indulge in a bit of introspection, to ponder the direction one’s life is taking. The wrong direction, we are sorry to say.
Your recent inexplicable behavior, replete with random acts of kindness, forays into nobility, and just general nauseating heroics, has not escaped our attention here at V.I.C.E. (Villains’ International Coalition of Evildoing). In light of your past exemplary villainies, we have been prepared to overlook it as a lapse in judgment, or possibly as a necessary evil (or good, depending on your point of view) in some overall fiendish plan. Now that you have allowed your five-year membership with us to lapse, however, we have become somewhat concerned.
Membership in V.I.C.E. is not something to be taken lightly. Older than M.A.L.I.C.E., larger than H.A.T.E., and more prestigious than S.C.U.M., V.I.C.E. stands at the forefront of the many cruel and unusual professional associations available to villains today. Founded as an invitation-only organization by King Saris Blackpool and Ares, God of War over 25 years ago, V.I.C.E. remains the cornerstone of an aspiring evildoer’s resume. Could it be that you have forgotten the many benefits of belonging to V.I.C.E.? For dues of a mere 5,000 kolnas, your 5-year membership includes:
| 1. Employment Referral Service | |
| You’ll never be unemployed again thanks to V.I.C.E.’s skilled team of job placement professionals. Through special arrangement with area employers, V.I.C.E. applicants will always get first preference at any recruitment, whether it be for looting, pillaging, plundering, or general mayhem. Warlords, tyrants, megalomaniacs, and human resources personnel everywhere know and live by our motto: “Hire V.I.C.E. Or Else.” |  “You may think you don’t need no stinkin’ badges, but if you ain’t got a V.I.C.E. card, you ain’t workin’ fer Mister Lamarr.” |
| 2. Substantial Merchant Discounts | |
| Just show your V.I.C.E. membership card to tavernkeepers, weapons dealers, and leather specialty tailors and you’ll be amazed at the bargains you receive! If you should encounter an uncooperative merchant, simply report him to our Enforcement Board -- we guarantee you’ll get a very different reception next time. |  "Thanks to V.I.C.E., I always get all my hats and amulets for free." |
| 3. Fun Members-Only Activities | |
| V.I.C.E. members and their families always love our special group-rate trips. Past activities include rock-climbing expeditions to the Cliffs of Death, picnics on the grounds of Castle Carnaj, behind-the-scenes tours of Tartarus, and more! Be sure to ask Ares about our special discount rate for box seats at major battles, raids, and executions. |
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| 4. Special Gift Shop Items | |
| Our staff of peasant slaves labors around the clock to produce an assortment of high-quality products bearing the V.I.C.E. logo. These attractive keychains, mugs, T-shirts (one size fits all), ballcaps, bumper stickers, weaponry, torture devices (one size fits all), and much, much more are available at cost exclusively to paid V.I.C.E. members -- you won’t see any civilian with one of these! And if you do, feel free to kill them. |  This bumper sticker remains one of our all-time bestsellers. |
| 5. Continuing Education and Professional Seminars | |
| The cream -- and the scum -- always rise to the top, and we’ve got them both here at V.I.C.E. You won’t see this high a concentration of villainous talent anywhere else, and thanks to our monthly seminars, you can benefit from their knowledge! Take advantage of (sharp) tips and (dirty) tricks from the experts and network your way to advancement in the competitive field of villainy. Compete for the highly prestigious “Best of the Worst” award, with the winner attending a “roast” in his honor -- hosted by Prince Dirk Blackpool, of course. Bring your barbecue sauce and enjoy. |
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| Past lectures include Prince Dirk Blackpool’s “The Art of Pain: Or, How to Kill a Grown Man Using Only Poetry”; Ares’ “Babes and Battles: Ways to Combine Your Two Favorite Hobbies for Pleasure and Profit”; Yarema’s “Bad Priests Have More Fun”; Bethel’s “Supersluts”; Callisto’s “Obsession as a Lifestyle”; and Vector’s “101 Really Nasty Things I Could Do If I Only Had My Monocle, Dammit.” | |
| 6. Community Involvement | |
| V.I.C.E. gives back so much to the community - much of it requiring subsequent hospitalization. Who could forget our “Toys for Tots” campaign last Christmas, when hundreds of children woke up to the joyful sight of a bright, shiny new sword, mace, miniature guillotine, or set of brass knuckles. Then there’s our annual “Promising Young Villain” scholarship, funded by 10% of your membership dues, which has done so much to encourage and foster the rise of evil. And what citizen isn’t grateful for “Victim’s Insurance,” where for a donation of a mere 50,000 kolnas per year, he can receive a handy wallet-sized card from V.I.C.E. protecting him from death, dismemberment, or major mutilation at the hands of any V.I.C.E. member (Erik Greystone and Joxer the Mighty exempt from offer. See fine print for details). |  Call it a hunch, but we think this little lad will go far with this year's scholarship. |
| 7. Monthly Newsletter | |
| Keep abreast of all the latest happenings of interest to villains with our monthly newsletter, Venom. Hear about old fashion trends (leather, chains) and new fashion trends (leather, chains). Advertise in our personal ads to find your soul[less]mate, hire a lackey, or sell that old Weapon of Ultimate Destruction cluttering up your garage. |  Get bargains like this little beauty, only fired once by a little old villain from Pasadena. |
As you can see, V.I.C.E. has an extraordinary amount to offer. But wait! If you act now, you’ll also receive as a special bonus gift one free copy of Ten Days to a Crueler You. Are you tired of that same old look? Afraid that your gimmick no longer makes peasants tremble in fear? Feeling caught in a rut? This brand-new, full-color book will get you back on track, offering fresh and innovative perspectives on evildoing. Chapters include:
Yes, this 19.95 kolna value is yours free if you act now. So don’t delay -- send your dues in today, and remember: Nice guys always finish last.
Maliciously yours,
Ares, God of War and Prince Dirk Blackpool (Acting in place of
King Saris Blackpool)
Co-Chairvillains of V.I.C.E.
